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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28383363">Set adrift</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/energie_vie/pseuds/energie_vie'>energie_vie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Gooey [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Closure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Language, No Smut, POV Nile Freeman, Post-Movie: The Old Guard (2020), Temporary Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 01:09:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,213</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28383363</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/energie_vie/pseuds/energie_vie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>" 'I had an epiphany tonight,' Booker says, pulling her out of her musings. 'Or better yet, I finally understood why they were so angry with me for the whole Merrick thing.'<br/>[...]<br/>'I've never felt so helpless as I did tonight in my entire life,' he whispers. 'I don't think anything could have prepared me for it. And I told them that. Well, with different words.'</p><p><strong>OR</strong>: the one where Nile and and Booker get captured during a basic recon mission, Joe and Nicky come to their rescue and Booker has an epiphany about the entire Merrick debacle and has a heart-to-heart with the two of them.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Booker | Sebastien le Livre &amp; Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Booker | Sebastien le Livre &amp; Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Booker | Sebastien le Livre/Nile Freeman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Gooey [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983568</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>90</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Set adrift</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Ok, so let's get this straight from the very beginning: I'm a sucker for angst and hurt/comfort, as long as there's a happy ending and since I love these two too much, there's always going to be one. </p><p>I also wanted a heartfelt discussion between Booker, Joe and Nicky because I'm convinced the dynamics between them changed considerably after the entire Merrick affair and definitely in a good way - you'll see what I mean and I hope you agree.</p><p>The title is NOT from a song, surprisingly and yet again, it came before I wrote a single word.</p><p>Last but not least, there's one reference that gets explored in another fic - link in the end notes if you're interested.</p><p>Shameless promo: for stories in the same "universe", check out the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987831">Magnetic</a> series (prequel) and <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27817846/chapters/68103208">Snapshots</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nile isn't totally sure but this might actually be the first time that Copley's intel is anything but one hundred percent accurate. The man is always so meticulous and detail-oriented. If she didn't know better, she'd think someone had hijacked his email, except they had also spoken on the phone. So yeah, legit info.</p><p>'Seb, maybe it's just me but does this look like a meth lab to you?' she asks quietly, eyes scrutinising the derelict building in front of her.</p><p>'It's a lab alright, at least that small hall to the north but I'm not so sure anymore it's meth they're making.'</p><p>'What do you mean?' </p><p>'Well, see those tanks lined at the far end of the wall?' he asks, passing her the goggles. 'If they were making meth the fittings should have turned blue, not green. At this point I'm not even sure there's propane in them. Plus, meth fumes are highly toxic, so there should either be open windows or everyone should be wearing masks.'</p><p>'How do you even know all this?' Nile asks curiously.</p><p>'<em>Breaking Bad</em>,' Booker deadpans.</p><p>'Are you serious?'</p><p>'Of course not,' he snorts. 'But I <em>have</em> seen meth labs before, in real life. Not to mention that everything I've just told you can probably be found on Google, too.'</p><p>'Good point,' Nile chuckles. 'So what <em>are</em> they making?'</p><p>'I literally have no clue. Could be something new altogether, it's not like people aren't stupid enough to try anything as long as it's advertised properly.'</p><p>'True. But anyway, my question was more along the lines of what the fuck is happening in the main hall.'</p><p>'Oh, you mean what's with the dozen or so people that look both terrified and excited at the same time?'</p><p>'Yeap. There's something very weird about their demeanour and it's creeping me out.'</p><p>Booker shrugs and takes back the goggles. 'Maybe it's a cult thing?'</p><p>'In an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of the city? Next to a makeshift drug lab? In the middle of the night? I highly doubt it. By the way, what time is it?'</p><p>'Ten thirty.'</p><p>'So we have another twenty-five minutes to snoop around some more and five to get to the pick up point,' Nile says matter-of-factly.</p><p>'I suggest we try and find out what's behind that door at the end of the hall, everyone keeps looking at it,' Booker mutters. 'I bet the water tower offers a pretty good view,' he adds, visibly put off by the prospect of potentially having to climb it.</p><p>'Let's go check if there are any windows on the other side of the building first. Maybe you're lucky and it's just a massive wall,' she grins cheekily.</p><p>Nile is convinced she'll never get tired of jabbing him about his fear of heights though in all honesty, he has never made the tiniest sound of complaint whenever they've had to climb something. Case in point, tonight. They're currently lying on their stomachs on the roof of a building in front of the one they're scoping, trying to figure out what exactly is going on inside.</p><p>Nile checks her own watch this time. Ten thirty-five. 'Come on, we need to hurry,' she says, getting up and heading for the exterior ladder.</p><p>It takes them another five minutes to get back on the ground and creep around in the shadows to get to the water tower. For an almost deserted industrial area there are quite a few lampposts, Nile thinks disgruntledly while struggling to make as little noise as possible. They haven't seen anyone outside since they got here about an hour ago but she prefers to remain cautious.</p><p>It seems there <em>are</em> several windows on the other side of the warehouse, at the same significant height from the ground, so going up the obviously abandoned water tower is their best shot.</p><p>Booker groans quietly, then takes a deep breath. 'At least there are steps this time and not a flimsy ladder,' he grumbles.</p><p>'You know what, I have a better idea. Give me the goggles, I'll go up by myself.'</p><p>'No, no, it's ok, I'll come with you.'</p><p>'Seb, there's no point. I'll move quickly and come back down in ten minutes. Meanwhile, you can keep an eye out for any movement. It's eerily quiet and I don't like it.'</p><p>Booker takes a long look at her, as if weighing whether to argue further or not. In the end, he decides against it, so he resignedly hands her the goggles.</p><p>'Be careful,' he whispers.</p><p>'I'll be fine, some of us actually <em>enjoy</em> heights,' she winks.</p><p>'Yeah, the weirdos,' he quips.</p><p>Nile rolls her eyes and starts climbing the stairs, making sure to remain as close to the wall as possible. Booker's hunch proves to have been correct, from the top of the tower she has a perfect view inside the warehouse. She can see the small hall with the makeshift lab, as well as the main one where all those people seemed to be waiting for something and in addition, she can also see what's behind the door everyone kept stealing glances at. The discovery makes her gasp in shock.</p><p>'Mules,' she whispers to herself. 'They're all mules.'</p><p>The small space is set up like a surgery room, though she honestly doubts any sanitary standards are being respected, just like she doubts that the three individuals bustling about actually have a medical degree. Or if they do, they have clearly forgotten the Hippocratic Oath.</p><p>'I'm gonna fucking kill Copley,' she mutters irritatedly, pulling out her phone and sending him a quick message with her findings.</p><p>What was supposed to be basic recon has just been upgraded to "urgent intervention necessary". She doesn't even know whether those people are waiting for something to be put into or taken out of them but either option is making her slightly queasy, so she rushes down the stairs, struggling to remain quiet. At the same time she's straining to remember how many weapons Joe and Nicky have in the trunk of the car <em>and</em> to come up with a valid plan to disrupt the operation going on inside.</p><p>However, all thoughts scatter in an instant when she realises Booker is nowhere to be found. A tendril of dread erupts in her stomach and coils itself painfully around her lungs. She checks the time again, ten forty-seven, then decides to circle the tower.</p><p>'Seb!' she whisper-calls his name, though she's fully aware that this is the stupidest thing she could be doing.</p><p>There's no answer, of course, so she takes out her phone, intent on texting Joe when she feels a sharp sting on the right side of her neck. Nile lifts her hand and barely has time to touch the dart sticking out of her skin before everything fades to black.</p><p>When she comes round the first thing she registers is the dull ache in her shoulders, which she immediately attributes to her hands being tied behind her back. The chair she's sitting on is extremely uncomfortable and when she opens her eyes and slowly raises her head, her spine cracks in protest.</p><p>'Oh, thank god!' Booker gasps from her left, so Nile turns to him and watches his shoulders sag in relief. 'Took you long enough.'</p><p>'Was I dead or just passed out?'</p><p>'The latter. Tranquillisers,' he grimaces. 'Are you ok? I'm so sorry, I should have been more careful, I have no idea how-'</p><p>'Seb, relax. It's not your fault.'</p><p>'Yes, it is!' he mutters stubbornly. 'I was supposed to keep watch and I <em>did</em>, it just came out of nowhere and now-'</p><p>'Seb!'</p><p>Booker is getting more and more frantic and the last thing they need is to get worked up and lose clarity of mind.</p><p>'We can deal with your unjustified guilt later,' Nile says firmly. 'How long have you been awake?'</p><p>Booker nods somewhat sheepishly and then takes a deep breath. 'About five minutes.' </p><p>'Any idea where we are?' she asks, surveying the room.</p><p>It's small, empty except for the two chairs they're sitting on, wrists bound tightly and ankles strapped to the legs. It's also quite dark, the only source of light being the meek light bulb that's hanging ominously above them.</p><p>'No, not really,' Booker replies. 'I've been listening really hard but I couldn't hear any noises, so it's safe to say we're not at the warehouse anymore.'</p><p>'Mm. Wonder how long we've been out.'</p><p>'Not that long, I'd say. We had about fifteen minutes until pick-up and since they haven't busted down the door yet, it means they're still on their way. God, I'm starting to have flashbacks,' he groans.</p><p>If his hands weren't tied Nile knows he'd definitely drag one of them over his face right now. She also knows what he's talking about without him having to spell it out. The entire Merrick disaster is always at the back of his mind, ready to resurface at the smallest of triggers. There's not much she can do about the demons in his head, except help Booker talk them into submission.</p><p>Her musings are interrupted by the creaking of the door and she looks with interest to the man that comes through it. He's stocky and a bit on the chubby side, with short, graying hair and a glass eye. His posture and arrogant strut tell Nile that he's definitely not in the lower ranks and when he opens his mouth to speak he has a slight accent that she can't really place.</p><p>'Glad to see you're both awake.'</p><p>'Is this the part where you start rapping?' Nile interjects, grinning cheekily when the guy frowns. 'Oh, come on, the chairs, the light bulb. If this isn't <em>Gangsta's Paradise</em> then I don't know <em>what</em> is.'</p><p>'Nile, what are you doing?' Booker mutters through clenched teeth.</p><p>'Having a bit of fun,' she replies in a normal voice. 'No, not Coolio?'</p><p>'You're hardly in the position to be making jokes and I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you,' the guy sneers.</p><p>'Oh, I know! <em>James Bond</em>. You're gonna kick him in the balls,' she says nonchalantly.</p><p>'I told you to keep your mouth shut!'</p><p>'And what if I-'</p><p>She doesn't get to finish her sentence. The slap across her face hurts like hell, especially since the guy is wearing at least three rings. Nile leans over to spit the blood in her mouth.</p><p>'You fucking son of a bitch, if you touch her again I'll rip your heart out with my bare hands!'</p><p>Booker's voice is shaking with uncontrollable rage and he's pulling at the bindings so hard his wrists are probably bleeding. The guy cocks his gun and aims it at Nile's forehead. Booker freezes.</p><p>'Be quiet,' glass-eye says in a low voice. 'Now, I'm sure you both realise you're not getting out of here alive. However, you do have a say in how quickly and painlessly you die and for that to happen I need to know who you are. So, DEA? FBI?'</p><p>'We're not law enforcement,' Booker grits.</p><p>'Gooood, we're making progress, that's the spirit!' the guy says in mock enthusiasm.</p><p>'Seb, stop talking to him.'</p><p>'You, my dear, need to learn to keep quiet. Now, if you're not cops, then who sent you?'</p><p>'Seb, don't-'</p><p>Another slap, another mouthful of blood, another string of curses from Booker.</p><p>'I told you not to touch her, you fucking bastard!'</p><p>'Who sent you?' glass-eye raises his voice.</p><p>'No one sent us.'</p><p>'I'm not buying that. Oh well, looks like you need an incentive,' the guy ponders and Nile doesn't even have time to mentally prepare herself for the bullet that all but shatters her left kneecap.</p><p>The piercing shriek that bursts from her lips is only covered by Booker desperately shouting her name. Her eyes well almost instantaneously and all the air leaves her lungs in a fraction of a second, making her gasp noisily.</p><p>'Who sent you?' the guy asks again,</p><p>'I told you, no one,' Booker replies frantically, still pulling at the bindings like a maniac.</p><p>'You really want to see her suffer. Suit yourself,' he shrugs.</p><p>This time Nile manages to take a deep breath before a second bullet goes straight through her other kneecap and the small whimper is drowned by Booker's yelling and cursing. If the chairs weren't bolted to the floor she's convinced he would've killed the guy by now. Booker's extremely resourceful in combat.</p><p>'Fucking hell!' she mumbles when she catches her breath.</p><p>'I have all night and plenty more bullets, so I'm gonna ask again. Who sent you?'</p><p>He doesn't actually have all night but he doesn't have a way of knowing it either. Both her and Booker have tracking devices in their wristwatches, so it's only a matter of time until the cavalry arrives. </p><p>Nile narrows her eyes at him and she's just about to tell him to go fuck himself when there's a commotion outside the door, followed by shouting and gunshots. </p><p>'Finally,' she huffs breathlessly.</p><p>'You'd better pray with all your might that they kill you <em>before</em> they untie me,' Booker says in a frighteningly cold voice.</p><p>The guy's healthy eye keeps flicking between them and the door. He's obviously pondering whether to get out of the room to find out what's going on or carry on with his little interrogation. And then there's silence, which seems to help him make up his mind. The last thing that goes through Nile's head while staring down the barrel of his gun is that this is <em>really</em> gonna piss Booker off.</p><p>When she comes to for the second time tonight she knows for sure she had been dead. Thankfully, she's not tied to a chair anymore, though her muscles and joints are still sore and hurt like a motherfucker. When she finally opens her eyes, Booker expels a breath he'd probably been holding ever since the bullet went through her brain. He's holding her head in his lap and looking at her with so much fear and pain that it makes her heart ache.</p><p>'I'm ok, Seb, I promise,' she rasps.</p><p>Booker just nods and helps her get up, one hand lingering on her back. Their so-called interrogator is lying in a pool of his own blood a couple of metres away and Nile can see several bullet holes in his back.</p><p>'Did he manage to kill you too?'</p><p>Booker winces and just shakes his head. 'He most likely would've if Joe and Nicky hadn't burst through the door in that exact second and put a couple of bullets in him,' he explains quietly. 'Though I would've preferred to deal with him myself,' he adds darkly.</p><p>Nile ignores the last remark and heads towards the door.</p><p>'Where are they?'</p><p>'Over here,' comes Nicky's soft voice. 'We did a final sweep up. I came back to get you, Joe is on the phone with Copley.'</p><p>'Oh my god, the mules!' she gasps, remembering the scene at the warehouse. </p><p>'The Feds are on it, Copley tipped them off. We can call it a night,' Nicky smiles and leads them both outside the building.</p><p>Nile has no idea where exactly they are but she can't find the energy to ask. All of a sudden she feels totally drained, so as soon as she gets into the car she leans her head on Booker's shoulder and sighs tiredly. Joe's and Nicky's quiet voices, the gentle purr of the engine and Booker's thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of her hand are all lulling her to sleep. In less than a minute her eyelids start drooping, so she closes her eyes and hopes she'll be able to drift off for a little while.</p><p>It doesn't work. As exhausted as her body is, her brain is whirring almost unpleasantly, thoughts swirling and blending messily into one another. Still, she keeps her eyes closed and focuses on Booker's steady breathing and the feel of his warm hand holding tightly to hers.</p><p>'Are you ok?' Nicky asks quietly and Nile senses rather than hears Booker sigh.</p><p>'No, not really,' he whispers.</p><p>She had assumed as much, so it doesn't really surprise her. What does surprise her is how readily he admits it to someone other than her. Nile is willing to bet her wedding ring that this didn't use to happen very often, if at all.</p><p>'Do you wanna talk about it?' Joe prods gently.</p><p>'Not right now.'</p><p>It's the end of the exchange. A couple of minutes later the car stops and Nile makes a show of waking up, stretching and rolling her shoulders and neck.</p><p>'How are you feeling?' Booker murmurs, eyes searching her face intently.</p><p>'Worn out. And slimy,' she adds chuckling.</p><p>Booker smiles but it's such a forced smile that it couldn't fool a <em>stranger</em>, let alone her. She expects some sort of meltdown because knowing him, he's definitely blaming himself for everything that happened tonight, so she takes him by the hand and drags him into the house, pausing only to take off her shoes and waiting for him to do the same.</p><p>'Guys, just in case our gratitude wasn't obvious, thank you for being our knights in shining armour!' she grins at Joe and Nicky.</p><p>'You mean your priest and merchant in plain streetwear,' Joe grins back.</p><p>'Yeah, yeah, whatever. See you tomorrow,' she smiles, leading Booker directly to the bathroom and ushering him inside.</p><p>As soon as she closes the door behind her Nile wheels around, grabs his face to pull him down at her height and kisses him forcefully. This one's a rough kiss, unlike any other they normally share. It's the kind that's designed to get their hearts pumping faster and adrenaline run wildly through their veins because they're both alive and safe and that's all that really matters.</p><p>'Talk to me,' she urges before moving her mouth to his neck. 'And don't say it was your fault,' she adds, feeling Booker's hands twitch on her hips.</p><p>'I wasn't gonna say that,' he mumbles.</p><p>'Yes, you were,' she mutters while nibbling on his earlobe, hands busy untying the string of his tac pants. 'It wasn't your fault,' she says firmly when she pulls back to lift the hem of his T-shirt.</p><p>While Booker's busy taking it off along with the rest of his clothes she quickly makes easy work of her own and side steps him to turn the water on.</p><p>'How hot can I make it?'</p><p>'As scorching as you want.'</p><p>She turns around to face him and there's the small fluttering in her stomach that she always feels whenever Booker's eyes freely roam over her naked body. This time, though, he's actually surveying for damage because he flinches and swallows audibly when he catches sight of her bloody knees.</p><p>'Look at me,' Nile whispers and waits for him to lift his eyes to meet hers. 'Not your fault. I know you don't believe me but I'll keep saying it until you do,' she carries on in a no-nonsense tone, gesturing with her head towards the bathtub.</p><p>It's her favourite feature of this safehouse, the fact that there's a tub that's also equipped with a shower. And not just any type of shower, a handheld one. It's the best combo ever.</p><p>She gets in and waits for Booker to join her and they pass the shower head and the soap back and forth until they're both squeaky clean. A random thought passes through Nile's head while she's towelling herself off and she snickers under her breath, making Booker lift both eyebrows questioningly. She knows it's definitely not something he'd want to hear, so she studies him for a few seconds before deciding to use it as a catalyst.</p><p>'I was just thinking that if the guy had been any closer, the bullet would have come out on the other side and it would've been a nightmare to clean my hair,' she explains casually.</p><p>'Don't do that,' Booker pleads quietly.</p><p>'Do what?'</p><p>'Put the mental image in my head.'</p><p>'Seb,' she says lightly, 'you watched me die. Before that you watched me get shot in both knees. Before that-'</p><p>'Don't!' Booker cuts her off, a look of pure anguish on his face. 'It's enough I'm gonna have nightmares, I don't need you saying the words, too!'</p><p>Nile's lips quirk in a sad half-smile. 'I'm sorry, sweetie!'</p><p>'For what?'</p><p>'For pushing you to talk about it.'</p><p>'No, you're right to do it. Neither of us wants a repeat of the Juba aftermath,' Booker sighs. 'I'm just so angry! Don't let my subdued demeanour fool you, on the inside I feel like I'm fucking burning at the stake. I would have ripped him to pieces and I would have enjoyed every second of it!' he finishes darkly.</p><p>'I know,' she whispers. 'And I wouldn't have loved you any less for it.'</p><p>'You're too good for me,' he says simply, lifting his left hand to cup her cheek.</p><p>Nile leans into his palm and closes her eyes. 'I appreciate the effort of phrasing it differently but I can hear the real sentence behind it,' she murmurs.</p><p>'Whatever do you mean?' he asks innocently, batting his eyelashes.</p><p>'You're lucky I'm tired as fuck but don't think you're off the hook,' she mutters, narrowing her eyes at him.</p><p>'You can punish me tomorrow,' he grins cheekily and Nile just shoves his shoulder and rolls her eyes.</p><p>'Idiot!'</p><p>The instant her head hits the pillow she blacks out, only to wake up gasping from a stupid nightmare where fucking glass-eye was putting a bullet through her knee again and Booker was desperately screaming her name. Her heart is beating erratically and her breath is uneven and she's all alone in their bed. For a fleeting second she wonders what time it is but that's hardly relevant. She gets up and quietly leaves the room in search of Booker, who's probably had a nightmare too and is now wallowing in misery and guilt somewhere in the house, smoking a cigarette in the dark.</p><p>To her immense surprise, there's light coming from the living room and she can hear his quiet voice, though she can't really make out what he's saying. Then she hears Nicky's voice too, followed by Joe's. If they're still awake she couldn't have slept for more than thirty minutes, an hour tops. This is wrong on so many levels but she's always been obscenely curious, ever since she was a kid and she was sneaking peeks at presents way before Christmas Day, so she tiptoes the rest of the corridor and stops just out of sight, listening intently.</p><p>She can't see much of the room but she can see Booker sitting on the couch, his back turned to her. She can also hear the armchair creak a little, so she assumes Nicky is in it because Joe has just entered the picture, handing Booker a mug of something that she presumes is tea.</p><p>'I was hoping for something stronger,' he grumbles.</p><p>It takes Nile a few seconds to process that he's speaking in Italian and she sends Nicky a thousand virtual hugs for having taken the time to teach her, right after she had finished with French and Portuguese.</p><p>'I poured rum in it,' Joe sniggers and then disappears from the frame, probably sitting down at the other end of the couch.</p><p>There's a moment of silence during which Booker raises the mug to his lips and takes a sip and then he starts coughing and sputtering.</p><p>'Jesus, 'Suf, this is more rum than tea!'</p><p>'Because that's how well I know you,' comes the prompt reply and Nile can actually picture Joe grinning.</p><p>And then she registers the name Booker had used and does a double take. <em>'Suf</em>. She's never heard him use their <em>given</em> names before, not even teasingly, let alone nicknames. And why are they talking in Italian? She couldn't go back to bed now if her <em>life</em> depended on it. Nile wonders if that makes her a horrible person but she just wants to make sure Booker's ok.</p><p>Silence again, longer this time, followed by Booker's hoarse voice.</p><p>'I know I've said it before and I'll keep saying it until I run out of breath but I'm really, really sorry!'</p><p>'For what?' Nicky asks in genuine surprise.</p><p>'Merrick,' Booker replies simply. 'I know now what it must have felt like to you, beyond the capture and the experimenting and whatnot. Just seeing the person you love most in the world in absolute pain and not being able to do anything about it. I am <em>so</em> sorry I put you both through that,' he finishes with a sniffle and his voice is shaking so badly that Nile feels a lump forming in her throat.</p><p>'Oh, Basti! We never really doubted your good intentions and your reasoning was-'</p><p>'Yeah, Nico, but does that change the outcome?'</p><p>'No, it doesn't,' Nicky replies. 'Still, I can see the good that came out of it.'</p><p>Booker is probably looking at him disbelievingly because Nicky carries on.</p><p>'You're talking now. To Nile, to us. About how you feel and what goes on inside your head. This didn't happen very often before, remember?'</p><p>So she had been right. The confirmation doesn't really come as a surprise.</p><p>'Speaking of…' Joe interjects. 'How <em>do</em> you feel?'</p><p>'Like I wanna blow something up.'</p><p>'I think there's some PETN left in the trunk.'</p><p>Booker laughs humourlessly. 'I don't think you should be indulging me right now, 'Suf!'</p><p>'Fine, no blowing stuff up,' Joe huffs good-naturedly, 'though you know I enjoy it as much as you do.'</p><p>'Do you wanna tell us what exactly happened?' Nicky asks gently after a couple more moments of silence.</p><p>Weird, Nile had assumed Booker had filled them in while waiting for her to wake up. Or maybe this is some sort of therapy Nicky's attempting. Either way, Booker takes a deep breath, though it doesn't seem to help too much because his voice is still shaking terribly when he starts talking.</p><p>'She went up a water tower to look inside the warehouse. I got hit by a tranq dart while I was waiting for her. When I woke up, we were both tied to chairs in that fucking room and she was still out. I could barely hear her breathing and it felt like forever until she came round. And then that motherfucker waltzed in, wanting to know who we work for. He hit her,' Booker sniffles. 'And when I told him no one had sent us, he shot her, first in one knee and then in the other. I think my heart literally cracked when I heard her scream,' he chokes and then he starts sobbing.</p><p>Elbows resting on his knees, he buries his hands in his hair and it's almost like he's trying to curl in on himself because Nile can barely see him anymore. In a flash Joe moves closer, throwing an arm around him while Nicky comes to perch himself on the armrest, placing a hand on his nape. Booker's whimpering and gasping for air and it makes Nile's heart break and her eyes overflow with tears. </p><p>This is the meltdown she had been expecting and even though a very small and selfish part of her wishes she were the one to hold him right now, she knows that this is their moment and that Joe and Nicky need this just as much as Booker does. So she wipes her eyes and returns quietly to their bedroom, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.</p><p>Some time later, maybe fifteen minutes, maybe half an hour she hears the door slowly open and Booker silently slip into the room.</p><p>'Seb,' she calls quietly.</p><p>'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep,' he whispers, closing the door and quickly crossing the room to get into bed.</p><p>'You didn't,' Nile replies, shifting to make room and extending her right arm as invitation.</p><p>Booker lies down on his side with his head on her shoulder and throws an arm around her waist, pressing himself as close to her as he can.</p><p>'Are you ok, sweetie?' she asks, fingers playing with his hair.</p><p>'I guess. You?'</p><p>Nile just hums in assent. She feels bad for having witnessed a moment that should have remained just between the three of them and she doesn't really know how to bring it up. It's not that he'll get angry because she's absolutely certain that he won't but how does one casually mention such a thing?</p><p>'I had an epiphany tonight,' Booker says, pulling her out of her musings. 'Or better yet, I finally understood why they were so angry with me for the whole Merrick thing.'</p><p>Nile waits patiently for him to go on but he seems to have gotten lost in thought because he doesn't say anything else for a while.</p><p>'I've never felt so helpless as I did tonight in my entire life,' he whispers. 'Not even when I was left hanging for three days in the middle of Russian winter. Not even when I got to outlive my family because in the back of my mind I knew it was gonna happen sooner or later. Tonight, though… I don't think anything could have prepared me for it. And I told them that. Well, with different words.'</p><p>Nile swallows and inhales slowly. 'I know, Seb. I heard.'</p><p>'You did?' he asks, surprise colouring his voice.</p><p>'Yeah, I woke up from a bad dream and you weren't here so I went looking for you. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I just wanted to make sure you're alright. I only listened for a couple of minutes, I swear, then I left and came back to bed.'</p><p>Nile says all this in less than ten seconds, tone getting more and more urgent by the end. For a split second she thinks that maybe she should have kept quiet but it would have felt so, so wrong.</p><p>'Are you mad at me?' she asks in a small and anxious voice.</p><p>'Of course not. I've already started telling you what I told them.'</p><p>'You don't have to.'</p><p>'I know. But I don't wanna hide anything from you. Just like <em>you</em> don't like hiding stuff from <em>me</em>,' he chuckles and Nile feels a weight lifting off her chest.</p><p>'I'm glad you talked to them.'</p><p>'Yeah, me too. It still doesn't come as naturally as talking to you but I'm working on it.'</p><p>She's tempted to tease him a bit about how the conversation didn't sound unnatural at all but then a different thought comes to mind.</p><p>'How come you were speaking in Italian?'</p><p>'I don't know. It's always been the go-to language whenever it's just the three of us,' he shrugs his right shoulder.</p><p>'<em>That's so cute</em>!' she says in a deliberately high-pitched voice.</p><p>'Oh, shut up!'</p><p>'Wanna know what else is cute? You, calling them <em>'Suf</em> and <em>Nico</em>.'</p><p>Booker groans and buries his face in her neck.</p><p>'Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. <em>Basti</em>.'</p><p>'Fuck you!' Booker mumbles against her skin.</p><p>'Absolutely, first thing tomorrow morning,' she laughs and presses her lips to his forehead.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The Juba aftermath that Booker mentions is detailed in <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27669452">Come into the open</a> if you wanna take a look.</p><p>You can also find me on <a href="https://energievie.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a> in case you wanna say hi 😁💜</p></blockquote></div></div>
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